I'de Rather Read Before Playing 50 Rounds of GTA

Listen…no listen, really, listen. GTA IV is a great game, it really is. Listen to me. It does a lot of good things. It even does a lot of new things. One of the great new things isn’t Rockstar’s doing however. Are you listening? The Euphoria Engine adds a lot to the game. But GTA also does something else new, something that I have never seen in any game before. Let me show you in a graph…

A) One of the best intros ever in a game with an incredible original score.

B) Lame boring Italian mobster stereotypes.

C) Final weapon found, last skill learned, highest level achieved, gives little left to look forward to, luckily the game doesn’t last much longer.

D) How many games actually have a good ending?

First off these figured are completely accurate. Every time I play a game I plug my Awesometer into my console or PC to see how great a game is. As you can see GTA progresses quite differently than most games, and this isn’t some great new innovation, it sucks. Who thought making a game worse the more you play it was a good idea? It’s like kicking a child in the nuts every time he does a chore around the house. The game just started out so awesome and ended so lame. The early characters are so interesting, and the final ones are so forgettable, what the hell were their names? Spaghetti, linguine, and Mozzarella? Stupid.

Listen… What I really want to do right now is read the Age of Conan manual, and maybe, just maybe, if I’m in a good mood, I might let you know how good that manual is.